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15th September 2019

 

I’m going to try blogging again. I wasn’t great at doing it all the time when the kids were small but they’re not anymore and I liked it. I did! The general hiatus has been because basically I’ve been really fucking base level sad and disappointed. For a long long time. I’ve had a-lot of weird stuff come to the fore in the last couple of years that has been incredibly difficult to manage, this, in retrospect sounds utterly ridiculous because I am completely cognisant I’m very lucky in the grand scheme of things. But loss, challenge, trauma. I’ve had a rougher ride than I expected having happily found myself married with two kids and a dog. It’s only about 15 months ago I was sitting in a basement room with a box of tissues and the psychotherapist opposite me uttered the word “anhedonia” and when I looked it up I was like ‘oh……. yeah, that’. I was so tired. I was so done.

this is what that word means : anhedonia : an inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.

If you’re reading this you probably know I like alot of stuff: my friends and family, crochet, running, reading, music,  food, my dog.

I didn’t have anything in me at this time.

Pretty much mid last year I was only covering the basics: there were clean clothes, and food and so so many cuddles with the kids and dog. But I didn’t do anything else. I was a high functioning wreck, an absolute drain on those surrounding me, trying to support me, and in turn I found myself walking home in my lunch break and crying for an hour and then going back to work. I made nothing, I barely read, I did what needed to happen, the food, the laundry. And then I flaked.

I got written off work in the end with a horrible telephone conversation in which the doctor on the other end of the handset told me ‘you are not going mad’ – I’ve walked past that person since –  they were totally unaware how their words had reassured me, because I thought I’d lost my grip. The whole thing felt so staggeringly absurd… but I had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LEFT. I’d burnt out. The last year hasn’t been a picnic, it’s been better, better than better – the person who delivered the news that ‘we’d all adapt’ can perhaps feel some sense of validation in that. But for two and a half years, I’ve been worried about alot.  Where will we live, how will I cope. Basically two years of shit that have entirely benefited from not being documented.

Anyway. Back. Making. PLANS. And reading. If you read this far. It’s ambiguous with reason. You know that.

 

 

 

Books

Books I read 2018 part three

30th December 2018

Screenshot of bookcovers I read in 2018

It’s a day to myself today. So far I have:

:: laid out a new baby blanket to dry (pictures to follow in another post)

:: been out on a run (nearly passed out after 2.5 miles)

:: had a smoothie with ALL the supplements and drank hot cacao

:: had a bath and read my magazine

:: cleaned the shower screen with citric acid (suprisingly effective, but OMG the water here is hard and I have not cleaned that thing properly in ages)

:: done some washing

:: mopped the kitchen floor

:: listened to “Becoming” by Michelle Obama on Audible while I have been doing all the house things.

:: BULLET JOURNALLING. I’ve only been doing it a week but it’s changed everything.

I’ve even meditated – determined to re-establish all my good habits that make me calm.

Anyway, books: last part. I don’t reckon I’ll read half as much next year as I’m focusing on getting fit and healthy again.

:: “Declutter your life” by Gill Hasson. Gill is my auntie so I got a copy of this. Good advice on starting small. I was far too tired when I read this but it’s about time I followed through on lightening our home. I have made progress since though.

:: “Ten arguments for deleting your social media accounts right now” by Jaron Lanier. The amazing Zadie Smith is quoted as saying “A blisteringly good, urgent, essential read”, I’ve read this and Katherine Ormerod’s “Social media is ruining your life”  and it kept nagging on and on at me. I just don’t want to be on there anymore – there are pros but a huge amount of bloody cons. I can’t remember the exact quote by Kate Tempest but we’re all self creating false digital identities. I read a Cal Newport email this morning that valued analogue social over social. I’m yet to exactly unpack why I’m not on there at the moment, but put it this way. I have way more time and feel much more in control of my attention. I didn’t like that I was sometimes mindlessly consuming content I hadn’t set out to.

:: “The strangest secret” by Earl Nightingale said to be one of the greatest motivational texts ever written, it’s extremely short and digestible and still relevant.

:: “The bricks that built the houses” by Kate Tempest. All the best people I know gave me books to read when my life fell apart and I borrowed this from a friend, I really enjoyed the way it was written and how it captures the essence of going out through language.

:: “Earth is hiring” by Peta Kelly in an effort to turn my life around Lianne bought me a ticket to this girls workshop in London on her worldwide tour. It took me bloody AGES to read the book the whole way through I just found it grating. A giant rehash of a million voices that have gone before BUT as Kelly said, it’s all about finding your tribe and finding who you resonate with and whilst I was fucking DYING for a glass of white wine the whole time we sat listening to what I conceived as fairly pretentious and ill thought out delivery all I will say is she simply didn’t resonate with me. I was bored.

:: “The little book of contentment” by Leo Babuta – ” he who is contented is rich” – I’m struggling with contentment at the moment. This was a lovely read and I love the zen habits blog. Recommend.

:: “The art of not falling apart” by Christina Patterson. I got this from waterstones with a gift voucher from work. I loved it. It ended up leading me to one of the loveliest days I’ve had in 2018 and 2018 has been HARD so for this I am very grateful.

:: “My thoughts exactly” by Lily Allen. I loved this. I loved the look of the book, I loved how honestly she described a clusterfuck of different experiences that left her so troubled and so vulnerable. I like her. I also want her jumper from the front cover.

:: “Small great things” by Jodi Piccoult. I listened to this on the way to work via audible, I thought I’d choose something a bit different for me. I am in total awe of Piccoult, her work ethic, her research, this was good, just not my cup of tea.

:: “Let go my hand” by Edward Docx. Not sure where to start with this. Anyone who’s heard me talk about this book or the author would probably caution against asking too many questions because I don’t stop talking. It made me laugh and cry and there were some brilliant scenes that have stayed with me. I thoroughly recommend it. I liked it so much I got a copy for the shelf at work and bought it as a birthday gift and got my mum to read it. So there you go.

:: “Solitude” by Michael Harris. Genuinely the best non fiction work I read all year, reminiscent of Susan Cain’s quiet. I love solitude. I need it to function and I have not respected that in the best way over the years. This book will stay with me.

:: “Little Black book” by Otegha Uwagra this book had a bit of an instagram fame moment earlier in the year and by virtue of being easily influenced on social media I read it. Possibly good for younger generations, it didn’t speak to me, I found it boring.

:: “First we make the beast beautiful” by Sarah Wilson great book. I wrote about it here.

:: “Thinking out loud” by Rio Ferdinand I thought this would be a helpful book but for a variety of reasons that I’ve got no real business commenting on it and won’t explore here it really agitated me. I will say I’m incredibly sad for his family and for their loss but I have to say this book sat uncomfortably with me. However if it opens up the conversation for men to be more forthcoming with their emotions I welcome it, it just wasn’t the book for me.

I realise that’s a really quick round up but it’s the best I can do right now. Done is better than perfect.

Crochet

2018 in books Part 2

24th December 2018

The front covers of the books I read in 2018

As a continuation of my last post – here is Part 2 of what I read this year.

“This naked mind” by Annie Grace :: I ended up lending this one out, it made such a huge amount of sense (I say, with a glass of organic tempranillo in a glass RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME) she’s got a good podcast to dip in  and out of too.

“The little big things” by Henry Fraser :: I LOVED THIS BOOK. This was an amazon recommends. Just pure inspiration. “There is no point dwelling on what might or could have been. The past has happened and cannot be changed; it can only be accepted. Life is much simpler and much happier when you always look at what you can do, not what you can’t do.” I wish I could employ this, but anyway I thoroughly recommend it as a read.

“Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed :: Another beautiful book of letters followed by Strayed’s wonderful advice. I loved Wild. I love Cheryl and I read this paragraph at the exact right moment: “You’re looking for the explanation, the loophole, the bright twist in the dark tale that reverses its course. Anyone would be. It’s the reason I’ve had to narrate my own stories of injustice about seven thousand times, as if by raging about it once more the story will change and by the end of it I won’t still be the woman hanging on the end of the line. But it won’t change, for me or for you or for anyone who has ever been wronged, which is everyone. We are all at some point – and usually at many points over the course of a life – the woman hanging on the end of the line. Allow your acceptance of that to be a transformative experience. You do that by simply looking it square in the face and then moving on. You don’t have to move fast or far. You can go just an inch. You can mark your progress breath by breath. Literally. And it’s there that I recommend you begin” pg 113.

“Drink” by Anne Dowsett-Johnson :: This was a great book. There was an amazing vignette about Anne meeting Gabriel Byrne at a bar in New York while her heart was breaking. It was told so vividly  it’s really stayed with me and from that I’ve been devouring John O’Donohue poetry in “To bless the space between us” any time I have needed it.

“This is me letting you go” by Heidi Priebe :: I’m absolutely certain goodreads suggested this to me with good reason, but I genuinely can’t really remember anything about this read.

“Heartburn” by Nora Ephron :: she wrote ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘when Harry met Sally’ and got cheated on TWICE. Loved the light but incendiary writing and the description of the long necked harridan. I laughed. Painful but with brilliant acerbic wit.

“Aphrodite Emerges” by Susie Herrick :: this crowdfunded (HOW cool?) book was recommended to me by a good friend (HEY LIANNE!!!) there was so much good stuff that resonated for 70% of the book and then it tailed off. Worth getting though, it inched me further.

“The Upward Spiral” by Alex Korb :: advocates small tiny changes/decisions to pull yourself out of the worst downward spiral. Informative and helpful.

“The light we lost” by Jill Santopolo :: don’t remember anything about this book either. And that is not to say I didn’t read it???

“Rising Strong” by Brene Brown :: I got a pack of books sent to me from a friend living in Australia, this was one of them. My favourite ‘takeway’: “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.”

“The year of less” by Cait Flanders :: I am unequivocally stuck in the consumerist cycle. When I worked at the school and had my asos delivery arrive (which I inevitably 9/10 sent back) the guy would say ‘one for Amy… AGAIN’. In some small way, the ability to purchase and have some agency in changing some of the landscape of my life has HELPED but I didn’t feel great about this observation. I do not need anything and I’d be interested in blogging on having/needing/working with less.

“What a time to be alone” by Chidera Eggerue  :: Erm… by someone younger than me that is alone, but possibly doesn’t inhabit aloneness in the same way I do at the moment. Don’t remember a great deal, the graphic design was great, I remember it being all over instagram and podcasts, that’s why I dipped in.

“Carry on Warrior” by Glennon Doyle Melton :: nothing eclipses her book. love warrior in my humble opinion but glad I read this.

“I hope this reaches her in time” R.H Sin :: it did. I shall return.

“This is going to hurt” by Adam Kay :: I saw this at Annelie and Leo’s flat in the summer. They had two copies, two copies in their place is enough to assure me it’s worth reading. I put it down as an audible read and on my way to my new work I jacked up the literary and walked through the park listening to this. It has got to be the FUNNIEST thing I’ve listened to in a long time, I was crying in multiple places. I can’t tell you just how brilliant or funny it is but FUCK ME IT’S HILARIOUS.

That’s part 2 done, I’ve got to do father christmas duty now. I’ve had another house emergency that saw me run from the church carol service earlier in the afternoon to disable the fire alarms but I’m pretty finished now. Be peaceful. Let your saniflo not runneth over. I am counting the minutes I can legitimately execute a move to the other side of the world.

X

 

Crochet

Ends

23rd December 2018

Picture of yarn ends

Oh God was today too much.

It started well. I got up, I coded – I’m pretty set on maintaining a streak of coding everyday (new coding – not work coding – sometime I’ll be good enough at this to start BUILDING) then I binge watched to the end of the Marvelous Mrs Maisel (I hate spelling this incorrectly). It feels like there’s been alot said about this show. I thought it was ALRIGHT. Her husband cheats on her, leaves her, she wears nice clothes and is marginally funny for her time. It should be behind a story of redemption but …yawn. I wish someone would produce an actual Joan Rivers biopic. I wouldn’t watch this again, it was mainly, for me, just an accompaniment to loads of hooking (see ALL the ends), it is just really glib.

Then it got the point of no return in the day where I needed to go into town to get the stocking fillers. Who else is going to do the stocking fillers? After today, let’s face it, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO TIME.  So I had to leave the house, there’s got to be something to take the edge off for for my second born that he’s not getting a Samsung galaxy (he left his letter for santa on the tree yesterday – can you believe that? When I said I thought it might be a bit late, he reminded me Santa is MAGIC [And I wanted to reply “Also total bullshit”])  There was a point, surrounded by quite an amazing cacophony of total middle class guff (Putin/Trump parody books… are they for the toilet??? Who knows??) lots of lovely lights and Frida Kahlo inspired rubbish and some cards for £8.99 on how to slow your life down that I looked around the shop I was in (it was RAMMED) and I decided to stop, kerbobbled what? I was done. I can’t think why I went to the same place I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN ON A WAITING LIST FOR CHRISTMAS PAPER CHAINS (FFS) a few years ago but I do love so much of the kitchen stuff in there.

Anyway, once I’d given up I ended up buying boring food things at the supermarket and then RUGS.

Rugs

Overwhelmed by consumption, I ended up leaving my rucksack and its contents in the rug shop but the rug guy thankfully found me a bit later staggering to the bus stop. Another mum friend joined me ten minutes later whilst we waited for the bus (I had no 3G to get an uber – what a first world problem) and the first words I said to her were “fuck this” to which she replied “I KNOW”.

A misty woodland walk with the dog followed.

Anyway. Merry Christmas.

I got myself a now tv subscription and I’m watching SMILF.

I shall be leaving the house to give the dog a run over the next two days but apart from that, I’ve got everything I need, the kids, the dog, food, books, games and a puzzle and a huge amount off yarn. My phone has been switched OFF for the next 48 hours. I just gave the kids their Christmas pyjamas – the softest onesies from M&S – both have complained because they haven’t got pockets (I genuinely felt a swell of pride) George has just lifted his bum and farted at both Ruby and my face, the Grinch is on, bring on some unit time. I’ll hopefully have a blanket to show the other side of the festivities.

 

Books

2018 in books Part 1

21st December 2018

Covers of books read in 2018

I set myself a goodreads reading challenge this year to read 40 books. I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed it. I have been next level tired and exhausted – but I think reading has been a way to distract myself from thinking, to engage and immerse myself in something other than real life. Maybe it’s delayed processing or maybe it’s helped over the last year and a half. Who knows? I love to read. It’s been a weird reading journey, I’ve often skipped from one recommendation on amazon to the next, or pulled out something totally at random from the library. I won’t say a great deal on any. Just sort of mark that I got there.

“It’s called a breakup because it’s broken” by Greg Behrent. I’ve read a fair few of these breakup books. I actually remember opening this at the office and marvelling at it’s ridiculously late arrival and inwardly dying inside at the state of the cover and the fact it was relevant to my life. I think these guys wrote ‘He’s just not that into you’. I didn’t like the writing style, I know it was supposed to be funny but I just found it all a bit patronising and slightly unhelpful which sort of contradicts every review. Definitely a book to judge by it’s awful cover in my humble opinion.

The Script” by Vicky Mainzer” A friend told me about this book. I thought it was glib and badly written, however the content holds up.

“Everything Everything” by Nicola Yoon Stupid easy read, which was exactly what I needed. I fancied reading a novel aimed at young adults and my inner teenage self finished it in a couple of hours. It was ok.

“The unexpected joy of being sober” by Catherine Gray Sober curious is a bloody awful phrase, but I suppose I have been ever since I started running and loved running more than I loved feeling at all hungover. Brilliantly written, fascinating. I rate this book. I get SO MUCH MORE DONE without drinking. However I’ve done little running and things have reversed so I’m thinking this year again to do the no-thing. Pip talks about this cool thing, in this post.

“Reasons to Stay Alive” by Matt Haig a wonderful book, engaging and well written for anyone going through a crisis. I saw Matt Haig across the road the other day and nearly threw myself at him and blurted out something grateful but I always sound stupid and fawning if I attempt anything like that, so I resisted.

“The Subtle Art of Not giving a Fuck” by Mark Manson I wrote about this book here – it was definitely worth a read. There are only so many fucks to give.

“The Sober Diaries” by Clare Pooley more sober lit. Was worth a read but I preferred the work of Catherine Gray if I had to recommend one of the two.

“The betrayals” by Fiona Neill this is a Sunday Times Bestseller. I think I got it on the 99p kindle deal. Not entirely sure of the logic to that, it just riled me if I’m completely honest.

“Keep Going” by Joseph M. Marshall This was an amazon recommends. I loved EVERYTHING about the lakota wisdom in this book. This is the perfect book for anyone going through a hard time. I read this around the time I had a physical and mental burnout this year. My favourite quote is “That one more step will take us beyond where we were, somewhere, anywhere, ahead whether by a hairs-breadth or an arm’s length does not matter. ‘It isn’t always necessary to overwhelm a problem or overcome an obstacle in one fell swoop. A series of small victories, small steps, will serve the same purpose. We do not have to gain the top of the hill in one swift leap, or a prescribed number of steps for that matter. All we need to do is reach the top one way or another. Hope is always one more step.'” So applicable to learning, living, running, making as well as crisis. Great book.

“A moveable feast” by Ernest Hemingway I read this after seeing the quote ‘we would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright’ and thought it all sounded hopelessly romantic and idyllic. Then I read it. Then I read this article on the Daily Fail website and wished his book had ended with Hadley running across the road away from him. Yet, still, I loved this read and to read about his writing and his life and France. I’d love to read more Hemingway this year.

To be continued….

 

Crochet

Bits

19th December 2018

If I’m totally honest I’ve been feeling ALOT SHIT for much of December. Pip’s posts have been making me smile. BUT, discounting shit christmas tree/ leaking roof/ broken car/the fact I’m in the midst of necessary life admin that is so stressful and frequently makes me cry (and then I suppose discounting people in my life that are actually very poorly or have recently passed away, – oh God, big deep breaths) I’m going to attempt some highlights:

** I made a bit of progress on random squares. I must crochet more. It’s indicative of how I am as a person if I’m not doing it.

** I watched Homecoming – I thought it ended brilliantly. Find it pretty amazing it came from a podcast. Great storytelling.

** I finished my 40th book of 2018. I’ll write a list of what I read.

** I bought the bullet journal method New York Times best seller. My life is going to TURN AROUND.

** Curry at Milk no sugar yesterday.

** I have been chipping away at the javascript tutorials on freecodecamp. I think it will be years but I want the certification, I am still dead set on getting good at programming.

** THREE carol concerts by both children. A real delight.

It’s not all bad. Can’t wait to start the bullet journal. I finish work today for the year and everything has been unravelling a bit. No more!

Books Life

Sarah Wilson’s ‘First, we make the beast beautiful’

11th December 2018

I reached out for this beautiful book yesterday. I have been reading it in heavy gulps over the last few months as and when. It’s this years 39th book. Quite the reading ride. One more to go until I hit my target for 2018. I was anxious as a child, the atmosphere at home was unpredictable at times. I slept with a bag at the foot of my bed in case of fire and I think it’s fair to say I’ve always carried some weight of worry about where I belong, where my space is.

I love Sarah’s work, her writing and her take on life I found reading her explorations on meaning, unhappiness, discontent and anxiety reassuring. I’m not here to write my own meditation – but if you like to explore the way you think and feel this little book is a thought provoking companion.

“Since childhood I have cried out to know where I fit, for life to make sense, to learn how to sit comfortably with myself on that bench in the sun. After thirty-odd years of doing the damn journey, have I arrived somewhere? Anywhere? Is that the question you now ask me? 

David Brooks write that those who embark on the road to character as he puts it, or the path to meaning and sense as I’m putting it, don’t come out healed. They come out different.”

I re-watched this video as a consequence and I’ve downloaded the anti-anxiety diet on kindle. Back to morning routines, meditation, gratitude and exercise. If I’m being totally honest, right now, my “inside people” are a bit weary.

Crochet Life

This week

9th December 2018

I have been feeling the passing of time and the fragility of life with intensity this week. It’s another single parent birthday for the second born and Christmas is coming up. I want to not feel bleak about this, but I do to be honest, and a bit bloody resentful. Family is an intrinsic want in my life. A friend from Book club of long ago died last weekend, far too young, too vibrant and with far too much left to do. And she was Kind and Thoughtful. It makes me pause and wonder if I’m doing things right and what I’m doing wrong. It’s been a week of big thinks.

 

 

 

I watched Forrest Gump with the first born last night and I sobbed as usual through one of my favourite films. I do wonder if maybe my teenage self subconsciously buried that ‘I just felt like running’ line and decided to live it? I really need to run again. Maybe I will run London dressed like Forrest. I realise it’s been done before – but the idea of hearing ‘run Forrest run’ for 26.2 miles is actually quite appealing.

I went for a walk with the dog this morning – I bumped into a woman I used to childmind for. I don’t think she could remember my name, let alone my children’s, or probably the fact I used to cook her kids eggs every morning with my own two children under the age of 5. She asked after my two – we made polite conversation in the woods. It made me reflect that I have met so many people and done so many other things since that point in my life. I was, at the time trying to make some money alongside balancing a young family and feeling pretty inferior. If you’d told me then what would subsequently unfold I would honestly think you’d been smoking crack.

However I do think Amy of then would be pretty proud of Amy now. Now Amy has in that time run marathons and ultras and got a dog and made alot of stuff and finally got “proper jobs”. I have kept learning and growing. I do actually like myself. I mean that’s got to be something, if it came down to it, I’d know I did what I could, with what I had, where I was. That is not to say that me right now is feeling all that great about right now. The house is chaotic, there’s so much bloody life admin to take care of, so many material things in this building I need to move and take care of. I haven’t ever written ‘that book’, I can barely get round to finishing the laundry in order to do the vacuuming, George’s party to celebrate his birthday has not been organised, I’ve overspent, I’m in desperate need of holiday and I want to actually finish one of the books I have on the go.

But, let’s round up the good stuff for the week as is the way in the digital space :

:: IFINISHEDABLOODYBLANKET! ::

This hasn’t happened for some time and the child it is for is now 6 months old, but look! It’s a beaut of 16 squares.

:: I WENT TO THE BRIGHTON CENTRE FOR CAROLS ::

Yes, I might have had flashbacks to climbing the stairs up to the auditorium with my cousin and Lianne (hey Lianne!!!! — I know you like a shoutout) for a basement jaxx gig back in the day, but this time I had a child of mine holding a hand either side and it was really quite beautiful listening to 1200 angelic little people voices singing carols whilst doing makaton. The part at the kiosk where I had to say I wanted to buy some chips about 12 times even after being presented with a 7up and then a diet 7up was weird, I genuinely thought I might be having a stroke and not communicating properly, but as George kept volleying his head between us in wide eyed disbelief between me and the woman behind the counter, someone behind me in the queue backed me up with ‘SHE JUST WANTS CHIPS!’

:: THE DOG CAME TO WORK ::

To be fair, he’s been into work more than a few times. I don’t want him with me everyday, but the times that he does come in are fun and he brings delight. He really does.

:: I SPIED THIS YEARS FIRST CREME EGGS ::

Yes, I know he’s not born yet for another couple of weeks but let’s all remember he lives again. Through these chocolate eggs.

:: GOT SOME NEW WINTER BOOTS ::

In an ideal world I’m buying blundstone’s, (but as it’s not an ideal world I’ve bought £70 boots from ASOS which aren’t even leather.) I HAD FORGOTTEN JUST HOW COMFY DM’S WERE. I’m also pretty much set at 2019 being a no shop year. I’m definitely not crocheting enough to warrant this blog being about making so perhaps I can write instead on NOT BUYING.

I have also been listening to: The Hurry Slowly Podcast

And listening to Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ on audible.

Oh! And also I’ve been complaining about the £40 Christmas tree I bought on amazon. 

That each branch has 8-10 inches (12 inches if you’re that type of liar) of bare wire seems to be beside the point in the response I got back:

 

 

I just hadn’t open the leaves vertically and horizontally!!! OMG!! Of course that was the issue. Maybs a lighter background was what I needed. Also, a “little different” is the understatement of 2018. I didn’t find it a ‘little different’ – it was an artificial tree that made me question life. Hold up. My entire life is, now, a ‘little different’ in a similar way.

Let me tell you, the returns label is stuck on the box, I’m heading to the post office, this tree does not make my “christsmas” perfect or add more charm, it makes me feel sad about humanity in a George Monbiot sort of way.

I’m moving away from the kitchen table, I’ve had enough of the week. May all who read this stay blessed, be brave and not get shit Christmas trees on amazon.

And may all that cross me know it.

Kiss kiss xx

 

Life

Look for the blue sky

6th December 2018

I don’t really know where to start.

Last week I heard a colleague say she was off instagram for a week – I overheard the rationale and I thought about how I’ve not been on there to post or consume for a couple of months. It’s a whole other bit of writing to articulate the rationale. I feel it needs more deliberate explanation because I’ve been thinking about digital identity and the role social media plays in replacing necessary physical connection our primal ancestry requires and about whether or not I wanted it in my life.

I read around it ALOT and I thought about it to distraction until I did realise it is THE distraction in my life. I’ll get all my thoughts down another time. I did check in though, and as before when I took a break, ‘followers’ in the ether – many of whom I have been in touch with for years were checking in on the DM’s to see if everything was ok, a few knowing of course that everything had been very not ok.

So – against the advice of Jaron Lanier I have officially ‘left’ for now, very possibly forever and I wanted people to know so they didn’t worry, which of course is lovely. This space, where if you’re interested you have a real choice in consuming what I write about is here. This is my place.

I reckon I’ll just pop in here as often as I can and post links, thoughts and makes as and when, work and life are kicking my arse a bit if I’m honest but this can perhaps be a more productive distraction for me that doesn’t involve me endless scrolling. A place where I can share things I’m reading, thinking about and liking. I’m writing it as though I’m writing to a friend I suppose, or myself. I’m not actually convinced anyone except Lianne and Johanna have ever read my blogs (hey both!)

This came up at work today, I feel compromised at in some small way facilitating an ad for alcohol to go viral but it’s really powerful.

 

 

Watch it and weep. If you’ve had an emotionally intense week like me it’s kryptonite.

Life

Everything about this

18th November 2018

I wish this picture was a real reflection of the week. It’s quiet and light and shiny (slightly dusty). I saw the light fall like this on Saturday and I am so pleased I captured it. My week wasn’t like that at all, I’m honestly happy to fold it neatly and pack it away into the past. Going to try posting everyday. Even if it’s small.