I have been feeling the passing of time and the fragility of life with intensity this week. It’s another single parent birthday for the second born and Christmas is coming up. I want to not feel bleak about this, but I do to be honest, and a bit bloody resentful. Family is an intrinsic want in my life. A friend from Book club of long ago died last weekend, far too young, too vibrant and with far too much left to do. And she was Kind and Thoughtful. It makes me pause and wonder if I’m doing things right and what I’m doing wrong. It’s been a week of big thinks.
I watched Forrest Gump with the first born last night and I sobbed as usual through one of my favourite films. I do wonder if maybe my teenage self subconsciously buried that ‘I just felt like running’ line and decided to live it? I really need to run again. Maybe I will run London dressed like Forrest. I realise it’s been done before – but the idea of hearing ‘run Forrest run’ for 26.2 miles is actually quite appealing.
I went for a walk with the dog this morning – I bumped into a woman I used to childmind for. I don’t think she could remember my name, let alone my children’s, or probably the fact I used to cook her kids eggs every morning with my own two children under the age of 5. She asked after my two – we made polite conversation in the woods. It made me reflect that I have met so many people and done so many other things since that point in my life. I was, at the time trying to make some money alongside balancing a young family and feeling pretty inferior. If you’d told me then what would subsequently unfold I would honestly think you’d been smoking crack.
However I do think Amy of then would be pretty proud of Amy now. Now Amy has in that time run marathons and ultras and got a dog and made alot of stuff and finally got “proper jobs”. I have kept learning and growing. I do actually like myself. I mean that’s got to be something, if it came down to it, I’d know I did what I could, with what I had, where I was. That is not to say that me right now is feeling all that great about right now. The house is chaotic, there’s so much bloody life admin to take care of, so many material things in this building I need to move and take care of. I haven’t ever written ‘that book’, I can barely get round to finishing the laundry in order to do the vacuuming, George’s party to celebrate his birthday has not been organised, I’ve overspent, I’m in desperate need of holiday and I want to actually finish one of the books I have on the go.
But, let’s round up the good stuff for the week as is the way in the digital space :
:: IFINISHEDABLOODYBLANKET! ::
This hasn’t happened for some time and the child it is for is now 6 months old, but look! It’s a beaut of 16 squares.
:: I WENT TO THE BRIGHTON CENTRE FOR CAROLS ::
Yes, I might have had flashbacks to climbing the stairs up to the auditorium with my cousin and Lianne (hey Lianne!!!! — I know you like a shoutout) for a basement jaxx gig back in the day, but this time I had a child of mine holding a hand either side and it was really quite beautiful listening to 1200 angelic little people voices singing carols whilst doing makaton. The part at the kiosk where I had to say I wanted to buy some chips about 12 times even after being presented with a 7up and then a diet 7up was weird, I genuinely thought I might be having a stroke and not communicating properly, but as George kept volleying his head between us in wide eyed disbelief between me and the woman behind the counter, someone behind me in the queue backed me up with ‘SHE JUST WANTS CHIPS!’
:: THE DOG CAME TO WORK ::
To be fair, he’s been into work more than a few times. I don’t want him with me everyday, but the times that he does come in are fun and he brings delight. He really does.
:: I SPIED THIS YEARS FIRST CREME EGGS ::
Yes, I know he’s not born yet for another couple of weeks but let’s all remember he lives again. Through these chocolate eggs.
:: GOT SOME NEW WINTER BOOTS ::
In an ideal world I’m buying blundstone’s, (but as it’s not an ideal world I’ve bought £70 boots from ASOS which aren’t even leather.) I HAD FORGOTTEN JUST HOW COMFY DM’S WERE. I’m also pretty much set at 2019 being a no shop year. I’m definitely not crocheting enough to warrant this blog being about making so perhaps I can write instead on NOT BUYING.
I have also been listening to: The Hurry Slowly Podcast
And listening to Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ on audible.
Oh! And also I’ve been complaining about the £40 Christmas tree I bought on amazon.
That each branch has 8-10 inches (12 inches if you’re that type of liar) of bare wire seems to be beside the point in the response I got back:
I just hadn’t open the leaves vertically and horizontally!!! OMG!! Of course that was the issue. Maybs a lighter background was what I needed. Also, a “little different” is the understatement of 2018. I didn’t find it a ‘little different’ – it was an artificial tree that made me question life. Hold up. My entire life is, now, a ‘little different’ in a similar way.
Let me tell you, the returns label is stuck on the box, I’m heading to the post office, this tree does not make my “christsmas” perfect or add more charm, it makes me feel sad about humanity in a George Monbiot sort of way.
I’m moving away from the kitchen table, I’ve had enough of the week. May all who read this stay blessed, be brave and not get shit Christmas trees on amazon.
And may all that cross me know it.
Kiss kiss xx