I started blogging when there was flickr and blogger and designsponge was around but no pinterest. I was lonely and I was undefined as a mum in 2010. I was in my twenties, SO NO FUCKING WONDER. To be honest I felt like a bit of a reduced version of myself… mired (though so grateful) in the repetitive and thankless tasks of caring for my lovely babies while everyone else seemed to be establishing their careers or getting on it and having a different kind of fun. I had no family close to me, friends were a bit flaky and my partner worked shifts in a shop that took him an hour to get to with an erratic shift pattern. I was INCREDIBLY lucky and I lived in London but I really did feel slightly (VERY) isolated.
To take any photos for that blog I would take a photo on a camera handset plug it into the usb, wait BLOODY AGES for it to upload, try and sort it to acceptable levels in an online picture editor and write. I’d just learnt to crochet. My work was not great. I just tried to do a bit everyday. I know some of you genuinely remember that. And I’m what some people I hear on podcasts refer to as a sharer but interestingly as most people admit, a fairly introverted sharer. In any case I was bored. I wanted to sort of write a diary, to remember all these seemingly inconsequential bits of my life and I wanted to learn more about the internet. You can read some of that blog here, because for whatever reason they still have it up even though I don’t pay for it.
Anyway I’ve had this domain since I don’t know…. 2015/2016 when I switched my instagram from amysinsta to discostitches. At a loss of anything I was going to be able to do alongside to small people I could maybe make some money from crochet? HA! What could I call myself after no more disco? Hannah my sister came up with disco stitches.
What’s prompted this post is my yearly reminder I am and have been paying out for the hosting etc…. FOR YEARS and that I’m not using it – this has happened for a variety of reasons and I will note some of them here though I’m sure it will not be exhaustive. I’ve just had the longest day at work and I met up with my aunt, my dad’s sister at lunch and that brought on a slew realisation of why I go silent. Big things, important things lie in the background that are horrible memories, unsavoury and unfair and they have to stay under the hood, to the point where it feels safer to do and say nothing.
Back to the blog and why I haven’t: reasons I can think of are as follows :-
- NO TIME OR ENERGY (this year alone) – two kids, one dog (that’s also had cancer this year), two family members dying in 2019, a household of perpetually broken shit (on the fucking daily – probably to teach my spirit (obvs) not to base my corporeal life in the material) , full time work, commute, trying to see people I love in my spare time (which is fucking limited let’s face it) FUCKING BASE LEVEL HOUSEWORK (and to be fair there’s also nearly 100 plants under this roof at the moment) I feel fundamentally broken alot of the time. I often feel incredibly lonely in the place I used to call home.
- Having a colleague at work tell me they’d read my blog. OK, note to self. Strong no to putting anything out there anymore.
- Genuinely feeling fairly humiliated given the last almost three years I’ve lived. So that’ll come down to MASS RETICENCE.
- A TOTAL CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE which I probably didn’t have to start with. There is no point in going into the whys and wherefores.
- WHAT IF I GOT MISINTERPRETED.
- I’ve wasted a fuck ton of potential blog time in 2019 on instagram.
- Huge concern over any idea this could be a vanity project when I’m still picking up the pieces of my life and patching it up, there’s a tory government and the planet is basically on fire, my spare time has been spent doing laundry, fixing cupboards, meeting the emotional needs of two small people who have not been happy and so much flooding in this place we’ve called home. What point do these online things serve? Who are they for? It is: C.o.m.p.l.ex – but it also feels better than instagram…..